Recently, I had an epiphany. I have never been one to advertise my greatness. Even if I do mention something fantastic about myself, I will level it by claiming it’s not a big deal. I have talked myself into believing things by finding a way to see them non-special. Well, I’m not going to take it anymore. Not from me, my sub-conscious mind or any other part/life/memory/etc. that diminishes, threatens or fails to see my greatness. That said, I will now explain my new understanding of why I can’t believe what I think you think about me, besides the point that it’s none of my business*. Have your ever heard any of these things:

 shine your light  – spread your wings – up your game – step up – don’t be afraid – up-level

I have heard all of these. But no matter how many times I listened, I couldn’t seem to spread my wings and lift off into some amazing vision of greatness. Enter EMDR, a new therapy I am exploring. My goal is to have resources to deal with pain. My body goes through occasional pain and I had a bad flare-up a few weeks ago. A long time client uses EMDR in her therapy practice, so I approached her about pain control. She uses vibrating “paddles” instead of the original technique of eye movement. You hold one in each hand and when the time is right, the therapist hits a button and one paddle vibrates. Then the other one vibrates; back and forth, left then right.

At first it was strange. But after a bit I relaxed into the questions and visualizations. By my second appointment I was going to a meditative state as soon as the paddles started. Through visualization I was able to find a place in my mind where the pain originated, it was a red room. We won’t know the true success of EMDR until there is a battle with pain and I win. Therefore I went to my third appointment thinking that part three would be consistent with parts one and two. More vibrations.

We started out with a check in; I asked if EMDR caused vivid dreaming. Yes, I was told, it has been reported. Because last night, I told my therapist, I thought of my mom and how she should have loved me when I was an infant. Which is weird, because my mom is a loving woman who adores babies. She has been actively involved with five grandchildren and two great grandchildren in my adult life. I can’t imagine that I was the only baby she rejected. Where would I get that thought? By asking myself that question I saw my ability to ‘see beyond what is visible’ started when I was born. I wasn’t rejected or unloved, and certainly not as a newborn. But I aggravated people; I have that sensation from my earliest memories. Yes, that made sense, and as I explained it to my therapist my thoughts formed into words as if my subconscious had prepared all night.

Early in life, I was able to discern when adults were lying. I was taught that lying is bad and truth is good, so I felt especially smart to identify these inaccuracies early on, to no one’s pleasure but my own. I remember specifically pointing out that Santa was fictitious, which must be told as it is the truth. There were times that I reminded people of things they seemed to have forgotten. Lies by omission. Truth was not my friend; it was getting me in trouble. But I was not deterred, my integrity was solid from hour one and my life is built on it. Little did I know—truth is not real, it’s imaginary and belongs to the believer. So here is this kid that has a truth meter, she’s emotionally immature and sees things completely out of her understanding. I think I may have been challenging. I pushed buttons, asked questions; I was curious, seeking, learning and open.

Explaining this to my therapist was like big picture hind sight. Aha! That is why people were annoyed with me. I get it now. It started when I was very young, it’s always been there. My ability to see inside people was there in the beginning; I was a child with vision, but no filters. My coping mechanism formed. I created a way to deal with the negative response I sensed. At the first hint of rejection, I pulled my energy back into me. Back into me.

Saying it aloud gave me an immediate picture. First I saw light from above coming into my body from behind. It filled each chakra and shone outward. The feeling, just seeing this, is pure joy. It is love, understanding, support, laughter and light. The sense of being fed light and sending it out felt like Universal Flow, I was in the flow. But wait, the picture showed me something else. The flow moved toward a person standing in front of me, and as soon as I sensed something was amiss, I pulled the energy back.

That surge of life force light from above was now inverted. The strange thing was I did not pull just light back to me; the force brought something else with it. It took a moment for me to see that I created a vacuum by pulling that energy back, and within the vacuum there were thoughts and feelings and emotions. I saw them; I could “read” them. One was insecurity, another was jealousy. There was hate, rejection, loathing and resentment. And as those things came into me, I felt them. But in that split second of retrieval, when I pulled the Universal Flow back into me, I didn’t have time to discern where the feelings came from, to me in that moment they were mine. I created a vacuum because I was afraid and it sucked what scared me into me.

The visual of this stunned me. The understanding of it sunk in, finally after years of hearing, “Shine your light, girl!” I was able to see that shining my Light, the Light of the Universe that each of us is blessed with, was more important than I ever realized. It must flow out. It’s meant to flow out. You see, when we suck that shiny part of ourselves back, we bring in the opposite. For so many reasons this makes sense. But what I want to emphasize is that we pull ourselves back because something scares us, like a judgment. And when a judgment reaches our very sensitive psyche, we identity it as our own. My vacuum, which brought back jealousy or insecurity or resentment that someone else was feeling didn’t come with labels. Each time I did this, I supplied myself with a stream of insecurities. And I thought they were mine.

I don’t know how EMDR brought me to this conclusion, and if it has anything to do with my health and body pain, but I am grateful because I will find a way to stop creating negative vacuums that work against Universal Flow. If for some reason I am afraid, and I create a vacuum, I will look at new negative feelings to identify their source so that I can deny anything that doesn’t apply. Self hatred: denied! Unloved as a child: denied! Rejected: denied!

Also, I will be aware when others are afraid and suck my personal problems into their fields and think something untrue. When you feel judged or disliked, ask yourself if you are reading into something that slipped in because you weren’t comfortable to shine out. IE: I feel like you don’t like me. You invert your light because you sense something uncomfortable and suddenly feel like I don’t like you. We take things personally. My worry or dislike can become yours in a nanosecond if you invert your light.

Teach yourself to recognize when the inversion begins. If you can identify it, take a deep breath, ground and connect to Source with a prayer, then ask, “Please help me to shine my Light fearlessly, courageously and lovingly.” And except only love in return. If this makes sense to you, and you would like to clean up old emotions, try the Discord Prayer. Discord Prayer (on my prayer page) can clean up entanglements without dissecting the situation.

We are all psychic! Emotions in my head are supposed to be mine. Right? Not necessarily. From now on I want you to shine your beautiful, creative, Divinely Blessed Light. I also want you to recognize when you are claiming a negative emotion or feeling as yours when it is not yours. You have work to do, your Light is important, crucial even. Don’t let inverted energy feed you nonsense. Non-sense, it just doesn’t make sense.

God, Goddess, Creator, Source of All That Is, please bless this dear reader with courage to fly on wings stretched wide. Please heal this one of all past emotional disturbances and collected fears that are not important. Thank you and Amen.

Wishing you peace, ease and comfort,

Holly

 

 *What you think of me is none of my business is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt.